When Concern Is Holding You Hostage

I’ve confronted many demons in my lifetime. Not earlier than working from them for a superb whereas first, starting in my earliest grownup years and responding to the abuse of my childhood and a short-lived, undesirable teen marriage. I hid from these demons in promiscuity, misguided and unhealthy relationships, an dependancy that stored me from feeling my worst fears, and different self-destructive behaviours earlier than lastly setting myself on a decades-long path of therapeutic.

The extra I ran from my demons, the extra of them I discovered. Perhaps you possibly can relate? I hope not. However I don’t assume I’ve ever met anybody who can’t in a method or one other.

One of many worst demons has been Concern. It’s one nasty piece of labor, isn’t it? Craziest S.O.B. you would hope to fulfill. Or quite, hope not to fulfill. I’ll let you know the longer story of my battle with Mr Loopy Pants someday (’trigger holy smoke, that rotten pinhead did a significant quantity on me in trashing my life and my well being for years, and yay! I WON!!!). However for now, I wish to provide the Reader’s Digest Condensed Model as a result of this explicit demon has been the reason for, and purpose for, all of the others.

I ought to make clear: all by himself, he doesn’t scare me anymore. I’ve realized the best way to wipe him out in so some ways. However you see, he’s sneaky. He’s discovered a crack. A means in. And he’s all set to torment me once more.

To be completely sincere, I’m probably not certain how I’m gonna get beat the depressing creep once more. I solely know that I’ll, if it’s the very last thing I ever do.

So right here’s the factor. I’ll be sincere, for a superb lengthy whereas I’ve been hiding from my nemesis of the previous 17-ish months. Yep. Straight up, being a whole coward. To chop myself a bit of slack, there was a superb a part of that point after I didn’t even have to consider the ugly jerk. He had vanished for months. It was simple to shove him into the darkest components of my thoughts with all the opposite ugly stuff I’ve vanquished.

However then autumn rolled round. And earlier than lengthy, Concern was again. Yep. Quietly at first. Lurking. Teasing. And I used to be capable of ignore him for some time.

Since he reared his ugly head just a few months again, I’ve nonetheless managed to keep away from him more often than not, however yesterday I needed to stare him down. It was simply one in all numerous battles which are stretched out in entrance of me.

“The struggle is on,” he sneered with amusing. “And also you ain’t by no means gonna win.”

Yeah. Nicely, we’ll see about that.

Yesterday’s battle was nothing wanting terrifying. You see, he’d introduced his New Bestie alongside to torment me. That is the factor about Concern; he delights in teaming up with one thing — something — and particularly, discovering your weak spots — after which he makes use of them to ship you scurrying into darkish corners all by your self the place you do your greatest to cover from them and the remainder of the world. To cover out of your life. To maintain you small and underneath his management. And that’s no enjoyable in any respect.

Simply the way in which he likes it.

Nicely, practically a yr and a half in the past, Concern teamed up with Ice. After fastidiously selecting my means throughout hard-packed, tremendous slippery snow to a supposedly protected piece of shovelled sidewalk, my boots met with some black ice that was hiding in a bit of pool of melted snow. Down I went with a loud crack! as I hit the concrete.

I had torn the quadriceps proper off the bone and my kneecap was in items. After surgical restore, the next months had been horrific for a lot of causes. I used to be going through a protracted and painful journey. I had no concept I must discover ways to stroll once more.

I’m virtually there however nonetheless want assist. Though yay! Just a few months in the past, on a few good days — because of my cane — I used to be capable of make it down the three flights of stairs the place I reside, and hobble throughout the road to a grocery store. A significant milestone. A yr on, I had achieved a much-needed little bit of independence once more, as I reside alone and am brief on serving to fingers.

However I reside in Southern Alberta. Because the summer time ended and autumn approached, I felt the primary chilly fingers of Concern and his greatest buddy, Ice, wrapping themselves round my throat. I knew it was only a matter of time; I must face these rotten bastards once more. Not simply as soon as. However for the remainder of my life, until I transfer to a tropical place however I’ve no want to try this.

I refuse to let these two rotten pinheads workforce up towards me and win. I refuse to allow them to destroy my life and dictate whether or not I can go away my residence and get out to do the issues I want or wish to do.

However to be sincere with you, I don’t understand how I’m going to get there. I admit that proper now, the 2 of them have me firmly of their grasp. I can’t even start to let you know how horrific the previous yr and a half has been and I’m not out of the woods for this complete therapeutic and restoration factor. I can’t stand the tiniest glimpse into these earlier darkish and excruciating days. The considered sustaining one other harm sends me reeling.

I’m terrified to go away my residence when it’s slippery, even simply to take out the garbage. I hold my eye on climate stories, ready for temps above freezing in hopes that the snow and ice may have melted sufficient that I can get to the bin and again with out having to stroll on slippery surfaces. It’s not that far exterior my constructing. However it may as properly be on the bloody moon.

It doesn’t assist that I used to be being extraordinarily cautious the day I fell. And it doesn’t assist {that a} yr and a half later, I’m nonetheless therapeutic. My knee continues to be massively swollen. My leg continues to be discoloured and bruised. I’m restricted in motion and nonetheless have a number of ache.

The purpose is … instantly after my harm, I used to be capable of keep away from the remainder of autumn, plus a complete winter and spring as a result of I used to be bodily unable to get out with out assist. I didn’t must face Concern and Ice in these first a number of months of restoration (and right here in Southern Alberta, we are able to get snow and ice for a superb 6-8 months of the yr).

However winter lastly landed. There isn’t a one to take out my garbage and recycling. And as a lot as I recognize grocery supply and the gods of Amazon to see to the necessities in my purchasing wants, I would like my independence again.

Until I beat the hell out of Concern and Ice, they’ll maintain me hostage in my residence. And right here’s The Factor: They will solely do it if I allow them to.

I’m not giving up my life for them. I’m not handing over my happiness on a platter to these soul-destroying beasts.

Hell, I used to stroll miles at a time in icy situations. Even in my high-heeled footwear on the way in which to and from work after I couldn’t afford boots as a single mum years in the past. By no means gave “slipping” a thought.

So yesterday, I stared down these terrifying tricksters. I’d made shortbread cookies and I needed to take some to the women who work within the administration workplace right here. However it’s throughout the driveway from me. That meant this was between me and them:

I can’t even let you know how frightened I used to be. I paused and stared on the ice and snow. Though I want my cane as a result of I’m unsteady on my ft, I knew it wouldn’t stop me falling if I slipped. Actually, it’d even make it extra possible. The cane may slip and take me down with it.

My coronary heart pounded like a jackhammer in my chest. Adrenalin flooded via my veins. I started to tremble. A wave of nausea rolled via my complete physique and for a second, I assumed I’d be sick.

I stared at that little little bit of icy street as if it had been Evil Incarnate. Completely terrified, just a few fearful tears stung my eyes. My chest was tight; was I even respiration? I wasn’t certain.

I thought of turning again. I didn’t actually have to face Concern and Ice proper then, in that second, did ? I may wait for an additional day. Perhaps after I’ve healed a bit extra. Perhaps when I’ve much less ache and I’m steadier on my ft. Perhaps after I’m now not haunted by the horrible recollections of the previous yr and a half. Perhaps after I’m 198 years outdated. Oh, wait, possibly when Hell freezes over …

Rattling it. Nope. NO. You’re not going to win, you awful bastards!

I drew in a deep breath. I took my first tiny, hesitant step, cautious about the place I positioned my boot, properly conscious that I used to be carrying the identical boots the day I slipped and altered the course of my life.

Anxiousness fought exhausting to develop into panic, and it may need succeeded if that little stretch of street had been for much longer. However I managed to speak myself via one tiny step at a time till lastly, I bought to the pavement on the opposite aspect. I fought again tears of aid, and shortly remembered I wasn’t carried out but. I nonetheless needed to get again residence.

I delivered the cookies to the workplace girls and advised them that this had been my first time going through the ice alone since my harm. I mentioned how terrified I used to be. One among them was so candy; she provided to get her coat and assist me throughout the street.

I thanked her for her kindness, and declined, including that I’ve to face this in some unspecified time in the future. I can’t reside in Alberta and keep away from snow and ice — not until I’m prepared to let Concern maintain me hostage and hold me trapped in my residence. Once more. I’ve suffered from nervousness issues and agoraphobia prior to now.

I’ll by no means, ever go there once more. It doesn’t matter what.

I left the workplace, feeling the tiniest trace of “possibly I can do that” as I confronted the street once more. However I crossed in a distinct place. On the opposite aspect, there was a stretch of about 4 ft of stable ice. Jeez, Louise … I did my greatest to work my means round it, discovering smaller patches and eventually made it again to security.

Can I say I kicked Concern’s @$$ and I’m good to go subsequent time?

Not in your life.

However I did present it who’s boss. I’m set to do battle with this S.O.B. and though I’ve declared struggle and I’m decided to win, I’m additionally aware of my bodily limitations and challenges proper now. I’m not going to be silly about it. I need to nonetheless respect Ice and the truth that I’m nonetheless having bother strolling on protected, flat surfaces, together with in my own residence.

As a lot as I wish to stare down Concern as I’ve carried out so many instances earlier than, and kick his @$$ to the curb, I can’t let my willpower and tenacity be my undoing. Um, it wouldn’t be the primary time.